Introspective Expedition…

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Introspective expedition…
Seeking that which I lost…
Seeking me.
I have wandered, aimlessly at times.
Sometimes, I have just been still…
So very still…
Seemingly in stasis.
Day after night after day…
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Evocative epiphany ensconced throughout the exponential everythingness of each day…
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Suggestively present…
Beckoning me onward, inward.
Days in and days out…
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Outwardly, calm…
Inwardly, tumultuous…
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And then,
   One day…
I overcame the gravitational pull inwards…
I came home to my outward expression…
To my words…
To me…
To you.
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΅〜  ೋ  ೋ 〜΅
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Hello old friends, I have missed you… immeasurably much. I am so sorry for my absence.  To have been gone so very long. I have thought of you so often… each time sending my love and best wishes to each of you.
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Thank you so so much …for the gift of coming back to your messages of support, for thinking of me. It means more than I can say…
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I’m here now, full of more questions than answers…more ignorance than knowledge. I am ready to begin… again.
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Always begin again…
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  Christina 

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΅〜  ೋ  ೋ 〜΅
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Intoxicating Inception…

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As if from nowhere…

Suddenly you were there…

You knew me, better than I knew myself…

I recognized you even though you were unknown…

Intoxicating inception…

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Soft sensuous whispers of promising adventures to come…

Laughter…joy…peace…trust…

Excited anticipation to know and be known again…

Seduction by words…

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Reality comes crashing in…

Doubt…fear…uncertainty…

This can not be real…

You are my imagination’s foolish figment…

I realize the truth…

You can not be here….

This can not be real…

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The mind rationalizes the irrational, to protect itself…

Dichotomy in a dream…

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Dare I risk tempestuous temptation?

What if…

A whole plethora of what if’s…

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If I want to live…

If I want to truly experience life…

Then I must accept the terrifying risk…

That when I awake from this desirous dream…

You…disappear…

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Copyright ©2012 Christina Brownlee

Chosen Ignorance…

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Sometimes it’s too hard…
This battle fought within the mind…
It is an illusion to think you can’t handle it…
A luxury you can’t afford…
Just because you choose not to see.
Doesn’t make it less real…
Doesn’t make it right…
Hiding the minds eye from the truth won’t make it go away…
Everyone has hard choices to make..
At some point you have to realize what lies before your eyes…
You hid for far too long thinking it couldn’t happen to you…
Thinking it was for the best…
Ignoring of the casualties of cruelty..
Choosing the perceived stronger side…
Believing the lie…while the truth stared at you waiting to be recognized…
Knowing in your heart it was wrong..
Too far from your reality…
Now it’s coming closer to you…
Truth is impatient…
It will be seen…it must…
You can no longer hide behind your chosen ignorance…

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Copyright © 2012 Christina Brownlee

Mystique…

“Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion,

simultaneously the source of your greatest strength,

and your greatest weakness.”

~The Architect ~

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What is it that peeks out of the shadows of the future?

That shines a ray of light in a dark forgotten place…

A barren desert… A cold room…

So much sadness locked up tight…

Put in a box until a quieter time…

Some sneaks out and prowls around me…haunting…

Mocking memories of glorious times…

What is that ray of light breaking through the black of nightmare?

It’s been so long…

I almost don’t recognize it…

So close…seems so far…

It’s coaxing me…

Calling with a hint of promise of better days…

Brighter light…warmth…safety…

I can almost see it…

Mystique…

Masked illusion…

Coming into clarity…

Yes…I see it now…

Its name is….

Hope…

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Copyright © 2012 Christina Brownlee

Can you see…

“Where beams of imagination play,

The memory’s soft figures melt away.”

~Alexander Pope ~

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Can you see me?

Can you see all that’s happened…

All that’s changed me…

The metamorphosis…the struggle, fear, determination,

unbearable solitude…

Forced strength coming from a place even I didn’t know existed…

A million tears…

Ripped in half…

Smiling on the outside to cover so much…

too much…

Packed up..

Locked away…

Hidden on purpose from myself…

Can you see me?

The real me…

deep inside like you used to?

Ready to break out of this suffocating cocoon…

Ready to be free…to fly…

Can you see?

I’m almost there…

All that’s left is buried in me…

Can you see?

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Copyright © 2012 by Christina Brownlee ~

Facade…

“Tears are words that need to be written” ~ Paulo Coelho

  

Faux People…broken promises…strong is a lie…I had to…you gave me no choice…

It WAS survival of the fittest…

You promised so many things…

then changed your mind when it didn’t conform to your expectations anymore.

You said you had to…

You used to be so intimidating to me…but now you are so very small…

Small in the worst way, small of heart.

You can’t see because you’re afraid of what you will find if you look with knowing eyes…

He would be so very sad, disappointed, shocked –

mostly very very very mad, angry, outraged at your behavior…

If you think you knew him better you’re wrong.

Don’t be surprised that you’re now alone…

If you were compassionate, understanding, empathetic

and looking to others best interest instead of your own…

you would be surrounded with love and support right now.

Are you?

Stop thinking you’re ALWAYS right.

Stop acting like you’re the victims.

You’re not.

We are…not because of who made the mistake that took him from us…

but because of your actions, lies and broken promises.

I can almost forgive that irresponsible person…

I cannot forgive your intentional cruelty that robbed us

of so much more than you’ll ever know.

It is because you won’t look with the intent to actually see…

that you are alone.

I thought it was me who was the facade…

acting strong when I had no other choice but to be…

I was wrong…

It is you who is the facade…

Sunshine…

“Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations.

I may not reach them,

but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them,

and try to follow where they lead.”
~ Louisa May Alcott ~

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As I cast off every tendril of darkness that has enveloped me, threatening to strangle me for so very long…

wrapped me in fear, darkness, grief, anguish, helplessness, resentment, agony, sorrow, anger, bitterness…

I find myself striving, fighting, struggling, pushing to find the light, love, inspiration, joy, peace…

that has been stolen from me for so very very very long…

In the sweet kindness of new friendships and the steadfastness of old ones, encouraging words, connections with other hurting souls…

I find the light getting brighter…

brighter, more brilliant, more tangible…

the dark strangling tendrils are falling away one by one…

Yes, I can almost feel it…

I can almost touch the sunshine.

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©Copyright 2012 Christina Brownlee