Backstory… | ∼ Reconstructing Christina ∼

Chosen Ignorance…

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Sometimes it’s too hard…
This battle fought within the mind…
It is an illusion to think you can’t handle it…
A luxury you can’t afford…
Just because you choose not to see.
Doesn’t make it less real…
Doesn’t make it right…
Hiding the minds eye from the truth won’t make it go away…
Everyone has hard choices to make..
At some point you have to realize what lies before your eyes…
You hid for far too long thinking it couldn’t happen to you…
Thinking it was for the best…
Ignoring of the casualties of cruelty..
Choosing the perceived stronger side…
Believing the lie…while the truth stared at you waiting to be recognized…
Knowing in your heart it was wrong..
Too far from your reality…
Now it’s coming closer to you…
Truth is impatient…
It will be seen…it must…
You can no longer hide behind your chosen ignorance…

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Copyright © 2012 Christina Brownlee

Unconditional Love…

“All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother”

~Abraham Lincoln ~

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Unconditional love…

Never ending support…

Patience to endure…

Healing hugs…

A balm to my soul…

Ceaseless words of encouragement…

A legacy of steadfastness, love, wisdom,

soothing words, gentle nature…

Commitment to withstand the severest storms of life…

Strength to protect beyond comprehension…

My best friend…

Believing in me when I didn’t believe in myself…

Never a doubt…

Always selfless… All ways there….

One word…

Mom…

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It’s time to introduce the most influential and incredible woman in my life…my mom. Penny…thewhyaboutthis.com . She is my hero and my biggest supporter throughout my whole life, and even through the pitch black valley myself and my children have been through for the last two years. She stood witness, she cried with us, she fought with us…she was/is always an incredible source of inspiration and comfort when we need(ed) it most.

We each started our own blogs for different reasons…it was never intentional to keep our relationship from our precious new friends here. We never dreamed we’d be able to meet and cherish so many so fast. For reasons which will soon be made clear…I wanted to share with you all, newest friends and those who have been with me when I was only brave enough to post a famous quote…then a quote with a picture….then writing poetry (prose)…which I never dreamed I would be able to do…at all!

This has been an incredible adventure…becoming connected with bloggers around the world. Your outpouring of love, concern, and support has filled my heart, made me cry tears of joy, and inspired me beyond what I ever dreamed could be possible.

Mom (Penny) and I decided it was time to share this information because she has a done a few posts about each of my children and now one of my journey through the unimaginable torture of the last two years. Not just grief, but what was intentionally inflicted on top of that grief.

Please visit www.thewhyaboutthis.com and read today’s post “and then she waited…” if you are interested in my story. As a gracious loving mom and grandmother…she has shown me the true meaning of unconditional love…my whole life…but even more so during the last two years. If I am half the mom to my children that she is/has been to me…then I am blessed with the greatest of gifts.

I love you mom…wouldn’t have made it this far without you!

Thank you for always being you, always being there, and for not running away at the repeated insanity thrown at us…

Your most grateful daughter,

Christina ~

Copyright © 2012 Christina Brownlee

Mystique…

“Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion,

simultaneously the source of your greatest strength,

and your greatest weakness.”

~The Architect ~

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What is it that peeks out of the shadows of the future?

That shines a ray of light in a dark forgotten place…

A barren desert… A cold room…

So much sadness locked up tight…

Put in a box until a quieter time…

Some sneaks out and prowls around me…haunting…

Mocking memories of glorious times…

What is that ray of light breaking through the black of nightmare?

It’s been so long…

I almost don’t recognize it…

So close…seems so far…

It’s coaxing me…

Calling with a hint of promise of better days…

Brighter light…warmth…safety…

I can almost see it…

Mystique…

Masked illusion…

Coming into clarity…

Yes…I see it now…

Its name is….

Hope…

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Copyright © 2012 Christina Brownlee

You Said…

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”

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You said I was beautiful…

You made me feel like a goddess…

You said you loved me…

And proved it at every opportunity…

You said we were a perfect fit…

Like puzzle pieces…

You said if any one made me cry you’d make them cry…

And you did…

You said I was perfect…

When I didn’t feel remotely pretty…

We sang… We danced… We loved…

So passionately…completely…breathtakingly fantastic…

We were two pieces who became one whole…

You said you wanted to grow old with me…

You didn’t…

You left me…

You said you couldn’t guarantee to love me for the rest of my life

but you would love me for the rest of yours….

And you did…

Like a magnificent opus…

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Each piece actually has “I Love You” written on it…

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Copyright © 2012 Christina Brownlee

River of Words…

“It is such a secret place, the land of tears.”

~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince ~

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Suppressed temptation…

Longing…anticipatiously…

Dream of loves sweet embrace…

Yet again…slowly rushing…

Peace, joy, happiness…

Sublime impatience…

Remember…No…don’t remember…

Create new pieces…a new journey to adventure…

Excitement…

All that I was is added to all I will become…

The path I fear to tread…

Fear, pain, agony…new pieces…

Now I know…

Now I can add those to the past puzzle…

Tears falling…

Creating the new river…

Ready to be swept away…

Letting go…

My sadness makes you immortal…

Reflections in my eyes of who I was…

Morphing into….

Who I will become…

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Can you see…

“Where beams of imagination play,

The memory’s soft figures melt away.”

~Alexander Pope ~

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Can you see me?

Can you see all that’s happened…

All that’s changed me…

The metamorphosis…the struggle, fear, determination,

unbearable solitude…

Forced strength coming from a place even I didn’t know existed…

A million tears…

Ripped in half…

Smiling on the outside to cover so much…

too much…

Packed up..

Locked away…

Hidden on purpose from myself…

Can you see me?

The real me…

deep inside like you used to?

Ready to break out of this suffocating cocoon…

Ready to be free…to fly…

Can you see?

I’m almost there…

All that’s left is buried in me…

Can you see?

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Facade…

“Tears are words that need to be written” ~ Paulo Coelho

Faux People…broken promises…strong is a lie…I had to…you gave me no choice…

It WAS survival of the fittest…

You promised so many things…

then changed your mind when it didn’t conform to your expectations anymore.

You said you had to…

You used to be so intimidating to me…but now you are so very small…

Small in the worst way, small of heart.

You can’t see because you’re afraid of what you will find if you look with knowing eyes…

He would be so very sad, disappointed, shocked –

mostly very very very mad, angry, outraged at your behavior…

If you think you knew him better you’re wrong.

Don’t be surprised that you’re now alone…

If you were compassionate, understanding, empathetic

and looking to others best interest instead of your own…

you would be surrounded with love and support right now.

Are you?

Stop thinking you’re ALWAYS right.

Stop acting like you’re the victims.

You’re not.

We are…not because of who made the mistake that took him from us…

but because of your actions, lies and broken promises.

I can almost forgive that irresponsible person…

I cannot forgive your intentional cruelty that robbed us

of so much more than you’ll ever know.

It is because you won’t look with the intent to actually see…

that you are alone.

I thought it was me who was the facade…

acting strong when I had no other choice but to be…

I was wrong…

It is you who is the facade…

~The Very Inspiring Blogger Award ~

I was given a double blessing in one day – two nominations for The Very Inspiring Blogger Award!! I’m so very honored, flattered, humbled, and just smiling away over here!

When I began this blogging journey I had absolutely no idea how amazing, wonderful, fulfilling, rewarding, healing, illuminating, inspiring, and encouraging it would be to me! I feel doubly blessed to receive these two awards for The Very Inspiring Blogger — that I could come to mind for this award is like a humongous gift to me that I cherish completely!

I would like to thank George at www.georgehayward.wordpress.com for the first nomination and Penny at www.thewhyaboutthis.com for the second. Each of these blogs is so chock full of Ah-mazing posts…you will not regret checking them out! I guarantee you will be hooked and want to follow! 🙂

Please know I am extremely honored that you both would choose me for this. If I’ve managed to inspire anyone….then I am a very very happy girl!! 😀

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Now for the RULES to follow when nominated for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award:

1. Display the award logo on your blog.

2. Link back to the person who nominated you.

3. State 7 things about yourself.

4. Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link to them.

5. Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award’s requirements.

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Let’s see…7 things about me….

I love Jane Austen – have read all her books and seen the movies. Pride and Prejudice is my favorite movie (A&E version with Colin Firth) but the newest release of Emma with Romola Garai by PBS Masterpiece is a close running second!
I’m a wannabe techno-goob who plans on learning CSS!! This is gonna be fun! If my blog looks funny in the coming days you’ll know why! :p
I homeschooled my 3 kids until this last school year (10 years total).
If you haven’t read my first post – I have 3 amazing kids – 18 year old daughter, 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter.
Every year on the day after Thanksgiving we have “Jamma Day” The rule of Jamma Day is to be as least productive as possible! With lots of leftovers from the day before we get to just relax, play games/video games, and watch movies. It is a cherished tradition began in 1998 – my husband (before he passed) and I created to purposely avoid Black Friday sales.
I want to learn how to be a better photographer…travel with my kids and take awesome pictures – And then blog about it of course! 😉
I stopped homeschooling in order to get a job (being now the sole provider). We were interrupted in many things with the fight for our home these past two years (see first post if you want to know more). Still searching while I try to figure out what career I will choose, preferably one from home – I want to be here for my kids as much as I can! 🙂

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And now for the nominees I’ve chosen for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award – Do check them out if you get a chance! Each one has inspired me in so many ways I had to share this with them! 🙂

Congratulations to everyone! Keep doing what you do…you are all amazing! Blessings and best wishes for a wonderful day!!

Christina ~

Sunshine…

“Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations.

I may not reach them,

but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them,

and try to follow where they lead.”
~ Louisa May Alcott ~

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As I cast off every tendril of darkness that has enveloped me, threatening to strangle me for so very long…

wrapped me in fear, darkness, grief, anguish, helplessness, resentment, agony, sorrow, anger, bitterness…

I find myself striving, fighting, struggling, pushing to find the light, love, inspiration, joy, peace…

that has been stolen from me for so very very very long…

In the sweet kindness of new friendships and the steadfastness of old ones, encouraging words, connections with other hurting souls…

I find the light getting brighter…

brighter, more brilliant, more tangible…

the dark strangling tendrils are falling away one by one…

Yes, I can almost feel it…

I can almost touch the sunshine.

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And then I remembered…

~“Some people create their own storms and then complain when it rains” ~

You don’t understand why I’m angry…

You say you’re the one who is angry…

I’m not surprised…

Let me tell you a story…

Half of me died that day…

You thought only of you…

Your needs, your loss, your grief…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You decided what, how, and when things should happen for me and my children’s lives without reference to me…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You were so focused on what was bearing down on you that you couldn’t empathize with anything or anyone but you and your needs…

You said you cared but every action showed otherwise…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You hurt my children…one walked forever away from you…

You made excuses to cover every hurtful action…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You ripped the rug out from under us so many times…tore down this family with your own hands…ripped us apart again and again and again with so much judgment, more and more expectation, stress, grief, and extreme hurt…

You thought only of you, your needs, who would take care of you, who would take care of your burdens…

You laid your burdens on my shoulders…

You expected more from me then you ever did from him…

I thought of your loss…

I made myself forget…

You finally stepped so far over the line… there is no going back…the ultimate cruelty to a family so torn up and shredded, not only by grief but also by you and your actions for your self preservation…

So many hurtful actions…that your loving words faded into nothingness…

I honored your burdens, the ones you place on my shoulders at the darkest/hardest/saddest time of my life…

My true family stepped up to make that difference…

I thought of your loss….

I thought of our loss…

And then I REMEMBERED!!!!!

Copyright © 2012 Christina Brownlee

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“All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my angel mother”

~Abraham Lincoln ~

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