And then I remembered…

  ~“Some people create their own storms and then complain when it rains” ~

You don’t understand why I’m angry…

You say you’re the one who is angry…

I’m not surprised…

Let me tell you a story…

Half of me died that day…

You thought only of you…

Your needs, your loss, your grief…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You decided what, how, and when things should happen for me and my children’s lives without reference to me…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You were so focused on what was bearing down on you that you couldn’t empathize with anything or anyone but you and your needs…

You said you cared but every action showed otherwise…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You hurt my children…one walked forever away from you…

You made excuses to cover every hurtful action…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You ripped the rug out from under us so many times…tore down this family with your own hands…ripped us apart again and again and again with so much judgment, more and more expectation, stress, grief, and extreme hurt…

You thought only of you, your needs, who would take care of you, who would take care of your burdens…

You laid your burdens on my shoulders…

You expected more from me then you ever did from him…

I thought of your loss…

I made myself forget…

You finally stepped so far over the line… there is no going back…the ultimate cruelty to a family so torn up and shredded, not only by grief but also by you and your actions for your self preservation…

So many hurtful actions…that your loving words faded into nothingness…

I honored your burdens, the ones you place on my shoulders at the darkest/hardest/saddest time of my life…

My true family stepped up to make that difference…

I thought of your loss….

I thought of our loss…

And then I REMEMBERED!!!!!

23 thoughts on “And then I remembered…

  1. Just wrote you on the “back story” post – and now thinking about this piece — can see you had not only the loss and the weakness from being ill, but also an emotional burden -maybe relating to you husband’s family – but I can’t be sure. Why is life so difficult this way. I can sense the anger, and know that writing this will perhaps help dissolve some of that for you ~ that is my hope. You did a wonderful job here of expressing your heart and your feelings Christina… I am cheering you on from afar … Sending much Love xo

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    • Yes, yes you did! I honor you. For your strength, your grace and your courage in the face of overwhelming adversity repeatedly thrown at you and your family during a time of deep sorrow. Now you move on! Brava my most bravest Christina….Brava!

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      • Thank you so very very very much! I have learned that I can be strong, stubborn & most determined…even when I thought I couldn’t!

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    • Robyn, I appreciate your cheers and encouragement!!! It was hard to push the publish button yet again, because I would much rather share positive things. I guess I finally figured out that these are all the pieces of me…even the angry ones.

      Your guesses as to what/who this relates to are correct. I believe writing this out and sending it out into the world is helping the healing process. It’s like I’m free now and able to first find the pieces of me…then put them together.

      Thank you again sweet friend for all your encouragement!! It sincerely means the world to me! Hugs, Love & Blessings! ~

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      • Hi Christina…yes I do often feel the same ~ about wanting to share positive things. Was so hard at first to approach anything dark on my blog. I think you are right though… all the pieces of you need to be honored… and if this is freeing for you in any way, I say it’s perfectly safe here to share. I’ve found some of the most supportive and loving friends here. I do think blogging must attract a certain type of sensitive soul… just my take, but for the most part it’s been wonderful for me emotionally (wish physically too – but not so much there). In any case dear one, just hope you are doing well and will look forward to your next post… one piece at a time you will get to the very best place…I am sure. Much Love ~ R

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        • Robyn…You never fail to enourage me to reach further and explore all the elements of the different pieces of me. I am forever grateful I was blessed enough to connect with you here and so many others who have been very supportive!

          I agree with you about this place and the people…all are just so amazing! I cannot imagine a better place to go through the healing process!

          It’s like a inexplicable reprieve to be able to finally get to focus on our new lives and where I/we will go from here…and for the first time I am looking forward to that journey!

          Thank you most cherished friend! Hugs, Love & Blessings to you!! 🙂

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    • Thank you, your encouraging words are so very appreciated!! I feel each step is in the forward direction…and that is a very very good thing!! 🙂 Hugs & Blessings! ~

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  2. Love is all about seeking your completion in the other person – both of us remain the mortal incomplete anyway…but the strength life draws out of togetherness is from its confidence, warmth and the will to hold onto hope….sacrifices are the part of the bargain !!
    So well written Christina !

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    • Thank you danbalva…it means so much that this post was touching to others…it is a most awesome rewarding feeling! I apppreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts with me.

      I am truly honored for the award! Thank you for thinking of me! 🙂 Many blessings to you! ~

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  3. Your poetry is so beautiful!! Keep on publishing and posting 🙂 I wanted to let you know that I nominated you for the Creative Chaos Award. If you want to accept this award, you can stop by my page to pick it up!

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    • Thank you Michelle!! Poetry is a new avenue for me…so I’m very very appreciative to know its being well-received. It would seem the muse is upon me…or was… :p

      You are so sweet! Thank you, I am truly honored you would share this Creative Chaos award with me!! Hugs and Blessings for a great day!!

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  4. Christina,
    Amazing…. I can see why you related so to my image and words…I can’t get over how similar the dark clouds yet how strong your words are. I haven’t had the courage yet to release my anger on my blog…like you I’ve tried to focus on the positive as that is where the healing is….however , perhaps this is the safest place to do it…ironically so…so wonderful to find a kindred soul on a similar journey…sending love your way..Meryl.

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  5. Forgiveness, Christina… if I can (eventually) learn that lesson… so you can you… I know it’s hard… and maybe I’m a hypocrite… but don’t allow yourself to feel this way… you’re better than that…

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    • Thank you…it is hard…I have forgiven so much one would think I’d be use to it by now and could just continue to…I am working on it though….I think it will be a lot easier once ‘they’have moved away!!! Then I can reconcile the past without their incidious interference.

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  6. That brought a lump to my throat, and then those last words … they made me cold all over. Such fantastic work, Christina. Thank you for sharing

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