Perception…

“Forget what hurt you, but never what it taught you.”

He was your puppet….

Looking always for your approval…

Never feeling like he got it—ever.

You polluted him…manipulated him…

Now he’s gone and you turned to me…to us…

I won’t play that game.

I am strong and I cut all the tendrils you had wrapped around us.

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you think I’m not trying my best?

Am I not living up to the insanely impossible expectations you think I should be?

Do you have even the smallest clue that I am going so far above what any one person

should be able to do that I even surprise myself?

No…you don’t

You want to know why I am the way I am…

You want to know why I’m distant….

Why I’m angry, even after I told you…

You never heard me…like I’m invisible and my words were never ever ever heard or acknowledged in any way…

You want to know why I’m not doing more and more and more and more…

Who do you think you are?

Were you there when we needed you?

No…you weren’t…

Were you there even offering to help?

No…you weren’t…

Were you supportive, encouraging, or at least trying show the slightest bit of sympathy for anyone besides you?

No…you weren’t…

I know better now…

 I can handle your selfishness hidden by judgment.

I can handle your chosen ignorance.

I’m a grown up…I’ve been through and done more than you will ever know or conceive to know…

Even if you tried to understand…

Which you don’t…

You would rather hand out advice, judgment, criticism, and try to manipulate innocent little children.

The sad part is you don’t even realize what you’re doing…

You are so focused on you that you can’t see me,

You can’t see us and our grief, our struggles, our stress (at your doing), our problems,

our loss, our triumphs, our overcoming, our doing better and better without you.

You said no but God said Yes.

The final tendril is cut and you no longer can control or manipulate us.

You are not in control of us anymore…

I…we are stronger, wiser, better, happier without you and your unrealistic expectations.

If that upsets you…you only have yourself to blame.

Take the standards you set for me and apply them to yourself…see how well you do.

I have survived these past two years, I have survived the numerous cruel actions and words

you have excused away again and again and again and again.

I’m so very tired of your  excuses…

Nothing can justify your actions. Nothing…

I am stronger now…

What do you see when you look at me?

It doesn’t matter…

 Because I don’t care.

21 thoughts on “Perception…

  1. You are couragous. You recognize and don’t accept that which is unacceptable. I applaud your strength. Your sense of purpose. You never gave up. I saw (first hand) what was done to you and your children after your illness followed closely by the untimely death of your husband and how his parents turned on you and their grandchildren. I can see you and your children are finally moving on. There is the sounds of laughter once again in the house (now your home that YOU own) of so many wonderful past memories. New ones being made every day because of your strength. You were silent for so long, first the pain, then the shock, then the disbelief, then the hurt and finally the anger. Your searingly but most appropriate words here are but a reflection of your ability to rise up like a phoenix and move on. Just simply wonderful.

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    • Thank you so much! I really really like the words….rise up like a phoenix”…might have to use that in a future post! 😉

      It is only through the encouragement from those amazing people I have been so blessed with in my life that I now have the courage to not be silent anymore.

      Thank you again! Hugs and Blessings ~

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  2. Wow, Christina,
    This is really deep and so much pain. Yet your writing is beautiful. Thanks for coming to my site. I hope you will come back again.

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  3. When we speak about heart and courage – not many people would realize that the simplicity in both of them comes with a lot of goings – some really tough and the other just too real.

    We have to thank life for the never ending opportunities it would give us, in spite of all the overwhelming success and setbacks…the only thing that would matter is the will inside us.

    So well written

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    • Thank you so very much Prashant…you really ‘got’ what I was trying to say (you always do :)! It is sad that sometimes it’s the really hard/difficult/painful things in life that help us to realize how strong our ‘will’ can be when put to the test.

      I have to admit…it is my children that keep me going daily. They are my whole heart and inspiration and like a momma bear I would do anything to protect them and love them…especially after they’ve been through so much pain and sorrow.

      Your insights are so very appreciated! Blessings to you friend!! ~

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  4. Oh Christina…I am not sure what to say with regard to the pain and devastation this must have been for you. There is probably nothing more emotionally destructive than feeling abandoned and manipulated by those you probably thought you could count on most during such a frightening and sorrowful time.

    I can relate in some remote ways to this…but not to the extent you have endured. I am just so happy for you now, finding your voice to express yourself, stripping down all these shadows of anger and resentment that have been weighing on your beautiful spirit.

    I worked with a spiritual healer once, who taught me that although we may be loving and sensitive souls, we must always protect our greatest health and wellbeing ~ both physically and emotionally. The mantra I was told to repeat: “There is nothing more important than my greatest health and wellbeing.” I think your work now is rooted in this theme. You will get stronger and stronger as you express your emotion … and most importantly – release the anger. There will come a point where it will not have any power over you at all…and there will be the great peace that you so deserve. Big exhale for this post Christina… so proud of your courage and the path you are now on. Stay with it, my friend… I truly believe it will take you to ‘that place’ we’ve talked about ~ Much Love, Robyn

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    • Robyn, You never fail to say exactly what I need to hear to be encouraged and want to share more! 🙂

      The mantra you shared is so very true…if I don’t take care of me, inside and out, I cannot be there for my children–who are my whole world.

      I honestly believe this was/is healing for me…to really let out how I feel. I have been silent for too long on atrocities that have effected this family so very deeply.

      If I shared all of them at once I think that would be too much!!!

      I just want to thank you so much for your continued praise, encouragement, and beautiful/loving spirit…I am so very honored to call you my sweet friend!!

      I am hopeful/prayerful today is a wonderful day for you! Hugs, Love, and Blessings!! ❤ ~

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      • So glad this was a comforting reply Christina…. and very happy the mantra resonated with you. It really true – there is nothing more important … and especially where your children are concerned. Care for yourself just as you care for them…. (another lesson this healer taught me). It’s hard to do as a mom, we tend to put ourselves last — but I’m sure you know after your health scare — it is paramount. I hope the blogging continues to be an ongoing healing tool for you Christina (oh wow…just realized my energy healer/mentor …her name was Christina!!!) 🙂 Well sending love – and thanks for your friendship and genuineness… xo

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        • Robyn, it really was/is comforting…your words always are! It’s very hard to put myself first, but am in total agreement with you…it is so amazing the insight/intuition you have been gifted with becuase that health scare was terrifying. I am grateful that I was given the miracle of living…if I had waited one more day to go in – I wouldn’t be here and my children might be orphans. Just that thought alone is so nightmareish!

          I am so very grateful I “met” you here! You are a bright light to me everyday and I am more than looking forward to sharing this journey with you sweetest friend!! I think it’s very cool that your healer/mentors name was Christina…it’s a very cool name! 😛 Sending you Hugs, Love, Blessings, and bestest wishes for a most wonderful day! XOXOXO

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    • Thank you so much Peter! It is with the most appreciated support of my new friends here that are truly helping me to open up and share some things that need to get out.

      Your words are most appreciated friend! Hugs & Blessings! ~

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  5. My mind isn’t working too well right now, but you are clearly a strong woman who went through a lot. That’s all I’ve got in the think tank..blessings 🙂

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    • Michelle, I really appreciate your comment…especially when you were so tired! 🙂 I am a product of a continual barrage of trials bigger than me…the quote I posted a long time ago (seems like a long time) “Strong” was the epitome of how I feel!

      You stay strong and keep laughing….blessings friend! ❤ ~

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  6. Hi Christina, Thank you so much for visiting my blog. This poem is so powerful, full of pain and very moving. It is so good to get this pain out onto a page – do you think it helps to do that? Creativity is such an incredible outlet for joy and sorrow. I wish you more and more strength as the days and months continue. All my best to you, Ruth.

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    • Thank you Ruth, so very much! Yes…I do wholeheartedly believe it is helping…a LOT! I have kept so much negativity inside for so long it just wasn’t healthy.

      I’m not one to stay on a negative rant for long so am looking forward to sharing that more quirky piece of me.

      Thank you so much for your sweet words and encouaragement! This place is just a blessing for me!

      Blessings Friend! ~

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      • Hi Christina, My reply is a little late, sorry (falling behind!) I see how much you have been through and your words give voice to all the pain and anguish. I’m so glad that you have started getting the feelings out and turning that negativity into something positive and inspiring others along the way. Blessings to you too! Ruth

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