Precious Gifts…

August 6, 2012 I published a post called “You Said…” It was a poem of my life (in brief) with my now deceased husband, Duane,  ( May 2010 ) and hopefully portrayed a peek at true, enduring, inexplicable love.  That’s what I hoped to share.  All the places I say “You said…..” he really did say those things.

It was a huge leap for me…a scary one, to put so much out there.  Myself and my children have been through too much these past two years and now are finally getting some peace, so I guess it’s all coming out here on my blog.

I am overwhelmed with the loving heart touching comments (and one very very amazing email from a sweet blogger friend) I received from so many of you. Seriously, some of them made me cry. It was just honest care and love being shared with words…and I felt them all.  Thank you…all of you.  I am so very appreciative to be part of something so incredible, to have you each in my life now as I begin anew.

It gets better…I received a request from Seadog to reblog the “You Said…” post. He was touched and wanted to share it. Thank you Seadog…I am truly honored.

When I checked my blog this morning there was another gift there for me…one that took my breath away and made me cry…happy and sad tears at the same time.

A most cherished friend ( Prashant ) had written a poem. I know there are things inexplicable in our world…and what would motivate him to write this…I’m not sure. But he did, and he shared it with me and it is so very beautiful.  It personifies Duane and the love we shared.

I asked Prashant if I could share it here, too precious to be tucked away in comments. He said it was mine…so again I will thank him for being open, honest, loving, empathetic and what Duane would love most….a husband who cherishes and loves his wife and children.  Thank you Prashant…you are a gift friend!

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There was a thing I had to tell you

since you knew my soul through your eyes.

In the moment of serenity so longed for,

closer to you, my mortal worth lies.

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Piousness in the love I had

fuelled my will to be a better man.

To carry your graceful charm, beautiful,

I tried my best – as best as a lover can.

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Somewhere, HE just felt so different

or, perhaps, jealous of me being with you.

He never told me to complete my song,

holier than his prayers – so complete and true.

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Now, when I see you from here

I feel stronger and so absolutely fond.

I know, in your heart, I am still alive.

As you smile with courage and beyond.

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Mystique…

“Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion,

simultaneously the source of your greatest strength,

and your greatest weakness.”

~The Architect ~

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What is it that peeks out of the shadows of the future?

That shines a ray of light in a dark forgotten place…

A barren desert… A cold room…

So much sadness locked up tight…

Put in a box until a quieter time…

Some sneaks out and prowls around me…haunting…

Mocking memories of glorious times…

What is that ray of light breaking through the black of nightmare?

It’s been so long…

I almost don’t recognize it…

So close…seems so far…

It’s coaxing me…

Calling with a hint of promise of better days…

Brighter light…warmth…safety…

I can almost see it…

Mystique…

Masked illusion…

Coming into clarity…

Yes…I see it now…

Its name is….

Hope…

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Copyright © 2012 Christina Brownlee

You Said…

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”

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You said I was beautiful…

You made me feel like a goddess…

You said you loved me…

And proved it at every opportunity…

You said we were a perfect fit…

Like puzzle pieces…

You said if any one made me cry you’d make them cry…

And you did…

You said I was perfect…

When I didn’t feel remotely pretty…

We sang… We danced… We loved…

So passionately…completely…breathtakingly fantastic…

We were two pieces who became one whole…

You said you wanted to grow old with me…

You didn’t…

You left me…

You said you couldn’t guarantee to love me for the rest of my life

but you would love me for the rest of yours….

And you did…

Like a magnificent opus…

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Each piece actually has “I Love You” written on it…

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Copyright © 2012 Christina Brownlee

Sweet Escape…

“Without music, life would be a mistake”

~ Nietzsche ~

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It defies description…

All the while longing for one…

Desperately…

Words fail me…

It is perfection…

My sweet escape with you…

So much laughter, happiness, joy…

Bundled in perfect moments…

Unforgettable…

I never thought it would mean so much to me…

To experience so much through something so simple…

It is seductively surreal…

Utterly unusual…

Sublimely addictive…

How do I describe the indescribable?

This, best friend, is the only way I know how…

Two words…

Sweet escape…

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Copyright © 2012 Christina Brownlee

River of Words…

“It is such a secret place, the land of tears.” 

~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince ~

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Suppressed temptation…

Longing…anticipatiously…

Dream of loves sweet embrace…

Yet again…slowly rushing…

Peace, joy, happiness…

Sublime impatience…

Remember…No…don’t remember…

Create new pieces…a new journey to adventure…

Excitement…

All that I was is added to all I will become…

The path I fear to tread…

Fear, pain, agony…new pieces…

Now I know…

Now I can add those to the past puzzle…

Tears falling…

Creating the new river…

Ready to be swept away…

Letting go…

My sadness makes you immortal…

Reflections in my eyes of who I was…

Morphing into….

Who I will become…

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Copyright © 2012 Christina Brownlee

Tell me…

“Speak to me in riddles…

              Speak to me in rhymes…

                              Your words keep me alive…”

~ Sarah McLachlan ~

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Tell me your story…

The one etched in your heart…

The one that makes you hope, laugh, cry…

You can trust me…

I’m always here for you…

In all ways…

Tell me your dreams…

You’re secret desires…

The ones you hide..

Tell me you feel me…

Tell me you know me…

Show me it’s true…

Not a figment of my desirous imagination…

Tell me…

Because I’m someone like you…

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Copyright © 2012 by Christina Brownlee ~

Can you see…

“Where beams of imagination play,

The memory’s soft figures melt away.”

~Alexander Pope ~

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Can you see me?

Can you see all that’s happened…

All that’s changed me…

The metamorphosis…the struggle, fear, determination,

unbearable solitude…

Forced strength coming from a place even I didn’t know existed…

A million tears…

Ripped in half…

Smiling on the outside to cover so much…

too much…

Packed up..

Locked away…

Hidden on purpose from myself…

Can you see me?

The real me…

deep inside like you used to?

Ready to break out of this suffocating cocoon…

Ready to be free…to fly…

Can you see?

I’m almost there…

All that’s left is buried in me…

Can you see?

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Copyright © 2012 by Christina Brownlee ~

Facade…

“Tears are words that need to be written” ~ Paulo Coelho

  

Faux People…broken promises…strong is a lie…I had to…you gave me no choice…

It WAS survival of the fittest…

You promised so many things…

then changed your mind when it didn’t conform to your expectations anymore.

You said you had to…

You used to be so intimidating to me…but now you are so very small…

Small in the worst way, small of heart.

You can’t see because you’re afraid of what you will find if you look with knowing eyes…

He would be so very sad, disappointed, shocked –

mostly very very very mad, angry, outraged at your behavior…

If you think you knew him better you’re wrong.

Don’t be surprised that you’re now alone…

If you were compassionate, understanding, empathetic

and looking to others best interest instead of your own…

you would be surrounded with love and support right now.

Are you?

Stop thinking you’re ALWAYS right.

Stop acting like you’re the victims.

You’re not.

We are…not because of who made the mistake that took him from us…

but because of your actions, lies and broken promises.

I can almost forgive that irresponsible person…

I cannot forgive your intentional cruelty that robbed us

of so much more than you’ll ever know.

It is because you won’t look with the intent to actually see…

that you are alone.

I thought it was me who was the facade…

acting strong when I had no other choice but to be…

I was wrong…

It is you who is the facade…

Success…

“To laugh often and much;

to win the respect of intelligent people

and the affection of children;

to earn the appreciation of honest critics

and endure the betrayal of false friends;

to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others;

to leave the world a bit better,

whether by a healthy child, a garden patch,

or redeemed social condition;

to know even one life has breathed easier

because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

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I have been so deeply moved the past few days by reading other blogs and posts that some might find sad or melancholy…to me I found myself. I found a connection to others in that deep dark place that only people who have had or are going through tragedy can truly relate to. No one can know…each is a unique story.

Perhaps it isn’t just that they’re are going through or have gone through tragedy but are in touch with it nonetheless. The truth of it is…it is success to me. If you can write words and arrange them in such a manner as to evoke a feeling, good, bad, sad, or otherwise then you have made a connection with someone…with any one who reads your words.

We each are unique and have our own story to tell. And we each have our own way to tell it…poems, photographs, quotes, funny stories or whimsical ones that make you smile or laugh…or be sad and cry…or really think about how a particular piece means to you…it becomes part of you now.

They each serve their purpose…our blog is our home. Our own little piece of this internet cosmos and it moves in ever widening, ever increasing, circles of friends and connections to others…some we are blessed to interact with, some we never hear about but could have made all the difference in the world for without ever knowing. It is important…vital, to write or show through photographs what we see, feel, and think…regardless of the emotional response.

We are all healing, rediscovering, sharing, connecting…

                     and because each voice is unique and touches others then we are by the definition above…Successful.

Christina ~

Perception…

“Forget what hurt you, but never what it taught you.”

He was your puppet….

Looking always for your approval…

Never feeling like he got it—ever.

You polluted him…manipulated him…

Now he’s gone and you turned to me…to us…

I won’t play that game.

I am strong and I cut all the tendrils you had wrapped around us.

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you think I’m not trying my best?

Am I not living up to the insanely impossible expectations you think I should be?

Do you have even the smallest clue that I am going so far above what any one person

should be able to do that I even surprise myself?

No…you don’t

You want to know why I am the way I am…

You want to know why I’m distant….

Why I’m angry, even after I told you…

You never heard me…like I’m invisible and my words were never ever ever heard or acknowledged in any way…

You want to know why I’m not doing more and more and more and more…

Who do you think you are?

Were you there when we needed you?

No…you weren’t…

Were you there even offering to help?

No…you weren’t…

Were you supportive, encouraging, or at least trying show the slightest bit of sympathy for anyone besides you?

No…you weren’t…

I know better now…

 I can handle your selfishness hidden by judgment.

I can handle your chosen ignorance.

I’m a grown up…I’ve been through and done more than you will ever know or conceive to know…

Even if you tried to understand…

Which you don’t…

You would rather hand out advice, judgment, criticism, and try to manipulate innocent little children.

The sad part is you don’t even realize what you’re doing…

You are so focused on you that you can’t see me,

You can’t see us and our grief, our struggles, our stress (at your doing), our problems,

our loss, our triumphs, our overcoming, our doing better and better without you.

You said no but God said Yes.

The final tendril is cut and you no longer can control or manipulate us.

You are not in control of us anymore…

I…we are stronger, wiser, better, happier without you and your unrealistic expectations.

If that upsets you…you only have yourself to blame.

Take the standards you set for me and apply them to yourself…see how well you do.

I have survived these past two years, I have survived the numerous cruel actions and words

you have excused away again and again and again and again.

I’m so very tired of your  excuses…

Nothing can justify your actions. Nothing…

I am stronger now…

What do you see when you look at me?

It doesn’t matter…

 Because I don’t care.