Transparency

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You know how you want to do something…need to do something but then life inundates you with its demands, it’s distractions.

You think…I’ll post soon….

‘The words will come, I’ll write something great! Well… I’ll give it my best.’

Then you don’t.

Days turn into weeks, weeks to months, months pass one after the other…soon it’s been four months.

Now you think…

‘What will I say?’ or ‘How do I share the malaise, the doubt, the perfectionist tendency to not post anything until I have something truly remarkable to share. Something potentially erudite. Something close to achieving the unending goal of turning emotions, feelings, into words.’

How do I share those many months and their transformational effect on me, my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and my writing? How that amalgamation will in turn change what I share with you all. How I plan to write more than poetry. How I felt almost trapped into thinking that I needed to somehow only express myself via poems.

How do I share that now I know me better? Now, I’ve entered a new and hopefully even more exciting phase in my reconstruction. How change can be so frightening…how my fear of what you would think of said changes affected my doing so sooner.

How do I share my remorse and guilt for being away so long without a word to each of you to say ‘hey, I’m alright…just coping with life, sometimes drowning, but feeling stronger each time I realize…I can let go and float until my strength returns…until I can swim again.

How do I share that these many months away I’ve read the most incredible books. Books that have helped me grow as a person, a woman, a writer. Books that have shown me it’s okay to be me. That I don’t have to hide behind this self-created façade. That I can just be…real. Transparent.

This is where my reconstruction began. This is where my reconstruction continues to change as I do. Where I grow ever more in love with words, with books, with reading, with sharing, with each of you in that loving family non-creepy way.

I’m here now… ~  Let this journey begin anew…I’ll start with wishes for a deliriously magical year for each of you along with my hopes to see you soon at your place, I’ve so very much to catch up on!

~

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