You Said…

“The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”

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You said I was beautiful…

You made me feel like a goddess…

You said you loved me…

And proved it at every opportunity…

You said we were a perfect fit…

Like puzzle pieces…

You said if any one made me cry you’d make them cry…

And you did…

You said I was perfect…

When I didn’t feel remotely pretty…

We sang… We danced… We loved…

So passionately…completely…breathtakingly fantastic…

We were two pieces who became one whole…

You said you wanted to grow old with me…

You didn’t…

You left me…

You said you couldn’t guarantee to love me for the rest of my life

but you would love me for the rest of yours….

And you did…

Like a magnificent opus…

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Each piece actually has “I Love You” written on it…

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Copyright © 2012 Christina Brownlee

Perception…

“Forget what hurt you, but never what it taught you.”

He was your puppet….

Looking always for your approval…

Never feeling like he got it—ever.

You polluted him…manipulated him…

Now he’s gone and you turned to me…to us…

I won’t play that game.

I am strong and I cut all the tendrils you had wrapped around us.

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you think I’m not trying my best?

Am I not living up to the insanely impossible expectations you think I should be?

Do you have even the smallest clue that I am going so far above what any one person

should be able to do that I even surprise myself?

No…you don’t

You want to know why I am the way I am…

You want to know why I’m distant….

Why I’m angry, even after I told you…

You never heard me…like I’m invisible and my words were never ever ever heard or acknowledged in any way…

You want to know why I’m not doing more and more and more and more…

Who do you think you are?

Were you there when we needed you?

No…you weren’t…

Were you there even offering to help?

No…you weren’t…

Were you supportive, encouraging, or at least trying show the slightest bit of sympathy for anyone besides you?

No…you weren’t…

I know better now…

 I can handle your selfishness hidden by judgment.

I can handle your chosen ignorance.

I’m a grown up…I’ve been through and done more than you will ever know or conceive to know…

Even if you tried to understand…

Which you don’t…

You would rather hand out advice, judgment, criticism, and try to manipulate innocent little children.

The sad part is you don’t even realize what you’re doing…

You are so focused on you that you can’t see me,

You can’t see us and our grief, our struggles, our stress (at your doing), our problems,

our loss, our triumphs, our overcoming, our doing better and better without you.

You said no but God said Yes.

The final tendril is cut and you no longer can control or manipulate us.

You are not in control of us anymore…

I…we are stronger, wiser, better, happier without you and your unrealistic expectations.

If that upsets you…you only have yourself to blame.

Take the standards you set for me and apply them to yourself…see how well you do.

I have survived these past two years, I have survived the numerous cruel actions and words

you have excused away again and again and again and again.

I’m so very tired of your  excuses…

Nothing can justify your actions. Nothing…

I am stronger now…

What do you see when you look at me?

It doesn’t matter…

 Because I don’t care.

And then I remembered…

  ~“Some people create their own storms and then complain when it rains” ~

You don’t understand why I’m angry…

You say you’re the one who is angry…

I’m not surprised…

Let me tell you a story…

Half of me died that day…

You thought only of you…

Your needs, your loss, your grief…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You decided what, how, and when things should happen for me and my children’s lives without reference to me…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You were so focused on what was bearing down on you that you couldn’t empathize with anything or anyone but you and your needs…

You said you cared but every action showed otherwise…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You hurt my children…one walked forever away from you…

You made excuses to cover every hurtful action…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You ripped the rug out from under us so many times…tore down this family with your own hands…ripped us apart again and again and again with so much judgment, more and more expectation, stress, grief, and extreme hurt…

You thought only of you, your needs, who would take care of you, who would take care of your burdens…

You laid your burdens on my shoulders…

You expected more from me then you ever did from him…

I thought of your loss…

I made myself forget…

You finally stepped so far over the line… there is no going back…the ultimate cruelty to a family so torn up and shredded, not only by grief but also by you and your actions for your self preservation…

So many hurtful actions…that your loving words faded into nothingness…

I honored your burdens, the ones you place on my shoulders at the darkest/hardest/saddest time of my life…

My true family stepped up to make that difference…

I thought of your loss….

I thought of our loss…

And then I REMEMBERED!!!!!