Intoxicating Inception…

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As if from nowhere…

Suddenly you were there…

You knew me, better than I knew myself…

I recognized you even though you were unknown…

Intoxicating inception…

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Soft sensuous whispers of promising adventures to come…

Laughter…joy…peace…trust…

Excited anticipation to know and be known again…

Seduction by words…

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Reality comes crashing in…

Doubt…fear…uncertainty…

This can not be real…

You are my imagination’s foolish figment…

I realize the truth…

You can not be here….

This can not be real…

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The mind rationalizes the irrational, to protect itself…

Dichotomy in a dream…

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Dare I risk tempestuous temptation?

What if…

A whole plethora of what if’s…

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If I want to live…

If I want to truly experience life…

Then I must accept the terrifying risk…

That when I awake from this desirous dream…

You…disappear…

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Copyright ©2012 Christina Brownlee

Mystique…

“Hope, it is the quintessential human delusion,

simultaneously the source of your greatest strength,

and your greatest weakness.”

~The Architect ~

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What is it that peeks out of the shadows of the future?

That shines a ray of light in a dark forgotten place…

A barren desert… A cold room…

So much sadness locked up tight…

Put in a box until a quieter time…

Some sneaks out and prowls around me…haunting…

Mocking memories of glorious times…

What is that ray of light breaking through the black of nightmare?

It’s been so long…

I almost don’t recognize it…

So close…seems so far…

It’s coaxing me…

Calling with a hint of promise of better days…

Brighter light…warmth…safety…

I can almost see it…

Mystique…

Masked illusion…

Coming into clarity…

Yes…I see it now…

Its name is….

Hope…

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Copyright © 2012 Christina Brownlee

Can you see…

“Where beams of imagination play,

The memory’s soft figures melt away.”

~Alexander Pope ~

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Can you see me?

Can you see all that’s happened…

All that’s changed me…

The metamorphosis…the struggle, fear, determination,

unbearable solitude…

Forced strength coming from a place even I didn’t know existed…

A million tears…

Ripped in half…

Smiling on the outside to cover so much…

too much…

Packed up..

Locked away…

Hidden on purpose from myself…

Can you see me?

The real me…

deep inside like you used to?

Ready to break out of this suffocating cocoon…

Ready to be free…to fly…

Can you see?

I’m almost there…

All that’s left is buried in me…

Can you see?

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Copyright © 2012 by Christina Brownlee ~

Facade…

“Tears are words that need to be written” ~ Paulo Coelho

  

Faux People…broken promises…strong is a lie…I had to…you gave me no choice…

It WAS survival of the fittest…

You promised so many things…

then changed your mind when it didn’t conform to your expectations anymore.

You said you had to…

You used to be so intimidating to me…but now you are so very small…

Small in the worst way, small of heart.

You can’t see because you’re afraid of what you will find if you look with knowing eyes…

He would be so very sad, disappointed, shocked –

mostly very very very mad, angry, outraged at your behavior…

If you think you knew him better you’re wrong.

Don’t be surprised that you’re now alone…

If you were compassionate, understanding, empathetic

and looking to others best interest instead of your own…

you would be surrounded with love and support right now.

Are you?

Stop thinking you’re ALWAYS right.

Stop acting like you’re the victims.

You’re not.

We are…not because of who made the mistake that took him from us…

but because of your actions, lies and broken promises.

I can almost forgive that irresponsible person…

I cannot forgive your intentional cruelty that robbed us

of so much more than you’ll ever know.

It is because you won’t look with the intent to actually see…

that you are alone.

I thought it was me who was the facade…

acting strong when I had no other choice but to be…

I was wrong…

It is you who is the facade…

Sunshine…

“Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations.

I may not reach them,

but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them,

and try to follow where they lead.”
~ Louisa May Alcott ~

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As I cast off every tendril of darkness that has enveloped me, threatening to strangle me for so very long…

wrapped me in fear, darkness, grief, anguish, helplessness, resentment, agony, sorrow, anger, bitterness…

I find myself striving, fighting, struggling, pushing to find the light, love, inspiration, joy, peace…

that has been stolen from me for so very very very long…

In the sweet kindness of new friendships and the steadfastness of old ones, encouraging words, connections with other hurting souls…

I find the light getting brighter…

brighter, more brilliant, more tangible…

the dark strangling tendrils are falling away one by one…

Yes, I can almost feel it…

I can almost touch the sunshine.

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©Copyright 2012 Christina Brownlee

Perception…

“Forget what hurt you, but never what it taught you.”

He was your puppet….

Looking always for your approval…

Never feeling like he got it—ever.

You polluted him…manipulated him…

Now he’s gone and you turned to me…to us…

I won’t play that game.

I am strong and I cut all the tendrils you had wrapped around us.

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you think I’m not trying my best?

Am I not living up to the insanely impossible expectations you think I should be?

Do you have even the smallest clue that I am going so far above what any one person

should be able to do that I even surprise myself?

No…you don’t

You want to know why I am the way I am…

You want to know why I’m distant….

Why I’m angry, even after I told you…

You never heard me…like I’m invisible and my words were never ever ever heard or acknowledged in any way…

You want to know why I’m not doing more and more and more and more…

Who do you think you are?

Were you there when we needed you?

No…you weren’t…

Were you there even offering to help?

No…you weren’t…

Were you supportive, encouraging, or at least trying show the slightest bit of sympathy for anyone besides you?

No…you weren’t…

I know better now…

 I can handle your selfishness hidden by judgment.

I can handle your chosen ignorance.

I’m a grown up…I’ve been through and done more than you will ever know or conceive to know…

Even if you tried to understand…

Which you don’t…

You would rather hand out advice, judgment, criticism, and try to manipulate innocent little children.

The sad part is you don’t even realize what you’re doing…

You are so focused on you that you can’t see me,

You can’t see us and our grief, our struggles, our stress (at your doing), our problems,

our loss, our triumphs, our overcoming, our doing better and better without you.

You said no but God said Yes.

The final tendril is cut and you no longer can control or manipulate us.

You are not in control of us anymore…

I…we are stronger, wiser, better, happier without you and your unrealistic expectations.

If that upsets you…you only have yourself to blame.

Take the standards you set for me and apply them to yourself…see how well you do.

I have survived these past two years, I have survived the numerous cruel actions and words

you have excused away again and again and again and again.

I’m so very tired of your  excuses…

Nothing can justify your actions. Nothing…

I am stronger now…

What do you see when you look at me?

It doesn’t matter…

 Because I don’t care.

And then I remembered…

  ~“Some people create their own storms and then complain when it rains” ~

You don’t understand why I’m angry…

You say you’re the one who is angry…

I’m not surprised…

Let me tell you a story…

Half of me died that day…

You thought only of you…

Your needs, your loss, your grief…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You decided what, how, and when things should happen for me and my children’s lives without reference to me…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You were so focused on what was bearing down on you that you couldn’t empathize with anything or anyone but you and your needs…

You said you cared but every action showed otherwise…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You hurt my children…one walked forever away from you…

You made excuses to cover every hurtful action…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You ripped the rug out from under us so many times…tore down this family with your own hands…ripped us apart again and again and again with so much judgment, more and more expectation, stress, grief, and extreme hurt…

You thought only of you, your needs, who would take care of you, who would take care of your burdens…

You laid your burdens on my shoulders…

You expected more from me then you ever did from him…

I thought of your loss…

I made myself forget…

You finally stepped so far over the line… there is no going back…the ultimate cruelty to a family so torn up and shredded, not only by grief but also by you and your actions for your self preservation…

So many hurtful actions…that your loving words faded into nothingness…

I honored your burdens, the ones you place on my shoulders at the darkest/hardest/saddest time of my life…

My true family stepped up to make that difference…

I thought of your loss….

I thought of our loss…

And then I REMEMBERED!!!!!

You, Me, & He…

You and Me…

Love, Passion, Laughter, Singing, Dancing, Joy,

Drawing ever closer…

Too close…

You became the other half of Me…

Time Passes…

Older, more experienced, more love, laughter, joy, singing, dancing…

Time Passes…

Now it’s You, Me…and He…

Having fun, laughing, making music, good times

Time passes….

You left Me….even if it wasn’t your choice…

Shattered Bliss…

       

People came “To be there for Me”…

He came to stay…

Time passes…

Life intrudes…

People move on…

Forgotten are the tears, heartbreak, emptiness, struggle,

the insanity of unnecessary sadness purposely inflicted at

the deepest darkest point…

Fight, fight, FIGHT…

Time passes…

He stayed…

He listened…

He helped…

He didn’t leave…

It was You, Me, & He…

Time passed….

Now it’s Me & He…

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This, my first ever poem…ever, is dedicated to my best friend

who was always there, never left…and continues to be a source of

strength & laughter in my life!

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I would like to say that this is just one thank you…there are still those in my life who have and continue to make a huge difference…you know who you are!

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I would also like to thank my new friends and followers here

 for encouraging me to keep expanding how I share my journey

 in this new world I’m in.

~*~

For the Backstory if you don’t already know click here —> Backstory

Copyright © 2012 Christina Brownlee   ~   Picture courtesy of Google Images