Facade…

“Tears are words that need to be written” ~ Paulo Coelho

  

Faux People…broken promises…strong is a lie…I had to…you gave me no choice…

It WAS survival of the fittest…

You promised so many things…

then changed your mind when it didn’t conform to your expectations anymore.

You said you had to…

You used to be so intimidating to me…but now you are so very small…

Small in the worst way, small of heart.

You can’t see because you’re afraid of what you will find if you look with knowing eyes…

He would be so very sad, disappointed, shocked –

mostly very very very mad, angry, outraged at your behavior…

If you think you knew him better you’re wrong.

Don’t be surprised that you’re now alone…

If you were compassionate, understanding, empathetic

and looking to others best interest instead of your own…

you would be surrounded with love and support right now.

Are you?

Stop thinking you’re ALWAYS right.

Stop acting like you’re the victims.

You’re not.

We are…not because of who made the mistake that took him from us…

but because of your actions, lies and broken promises.

I can almost forgive that irresponsible person…

I cannot forgive your intentional cruelty that robbed us

of so much more than you’ll ever know.

It is because you won’t look with the intent to actually see…

that you are alone.

I thought it was me who was the facade…

acting strong when I had no other choice but to be…

I was wrong…

It is you who is the facade…

~The Very Inspiring Blogger Award ~

I was given a double blessing in one day – two nominations for The Very Inspiring Blogger Award!! I’m so very honored, flattered, humbled, and just smiling away over here!

When I began this blogging journey I had absolutely no idea how amazing, wonderful, fulfilling, rewarding, healing, illuminating, inspiring, and encouraging it would be to me! I feel doubly blessed to receive these two awards for The Very Inspiring Blogger — that I could come to mind for this award is like a humongous gift to me that I cherish completely!

I would like to thank George at www.georgehayward.wordpress.com for the first nomination and Penny at www.thewhyaboutthis.com for the second. Each of these blogs is so chock full of Ah-mazing posts…you will not regret checking them out! I guarantee you will be hooked and want to follow! :)

Please know I am extremely honored that you both would choose me for this. If I’ve managed to inspire anyone….then I am a very very happy girl!! :D

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Now for the RULES to follow when nominated for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award:

1. Display the award logo on your blog.

2. Link back to the person who nominated you.

3. State 7 things about yourself.

4. Nominate 15 other bloggers for this award and link to them.

5. Notify those bloggers of the nomination and the award’s requirements.

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Let’s see…7 things about me….

  1. I love Jane Austen – have read all her books and seen the movies. Pride and Prejudice is my favorite movie (A&E version with Colin Firth) but the newest release of Emma with Romola Garai by PBS Masterpiece is a close running second!
  2. I’m a wannabe techno-goob who plans on learning CSS!! This is gonna be fun! If my blog looks funny in the coming days you’ll know why! :p
  3. I homeschooled my 3 kids until this last school year (10 years total).
  4. If you haven’t read my first post - I have 3 amazing kids – 18 year old daughter, 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter.
  5. Every year on the day after Thanksgiving we have “Jamma Day” The rule of Jamma Day is to be as least productive as possible! With lots of leftovers from the day before we get to just relax, play games/video games, and watch movies. It is a cherished tradition began in 1998 – my husband (before he passed) and I created to purposely avoid Black Friday sales.
  6. I want to learn how to be a better photographer…travel with my kids and take awesome pictures – And then blog about it of course! ;)
  7. I stopped homeschooling in order to get a job (being now the sole provider). We were interrupted in many things with the fight for our home these past two years (see first post if you want to know more). Still searching while I try to figure out what career I will choose, preferably one from home – I want to be here for my kids as much as I can! :)

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And now for the nominees I’ve chosen for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award – Do check them out if you get a chance! Each one has inspired me in so many ways I had to share this with them! :)

  1. http://michellesomer.wordpress.com
  2. http://justspokenthoughts.wordpress.com
  3. http://fictionalmachines.wordpress.com
  4. http://anelephantcant.wordpress.com
  5. http://blessedwithastarontheforehead.wordpress.com
  6. http://subhanzein.wordpress.com
  7. http://ngtolentino.wordpress.com
  8. http://pjgracecommunity.wordpress.com
  9. http://www.recoverythrumylens.wordpress.com
  10. http://jdgallagher.wordpress.com
  11. http://celestealluvial.wordpress.com
  12. http://tebogondlovu.wordpress.com
  13. http://seadogssaltymusings.wordpress.com
  14. http://nekneeraj.wordpress.com
  15. http://thepoeticwriters.wordpress.com/

Congratulations to everyone! Keep doing what you do…you are all amazing! Blessings and best wishes for a wonderful day!!

Christina ~

Success…

“To laugh often and much;

to win the respect of intelligent people

and the affection of children;

to earn the appreciation of honest critics

and endure the betrayal of false friends;

to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others;

to leave the world a bit better,

whether by a healthy child, a garden patch,

or redeemed social condition;

to know even one life has breathed easier

because you have lived.

This is to have succeeded.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson ~

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I have been so deeply moved the past few days by reading other blogs and posts that some might find sad or melancholy…to me I found myself. I found a connection to others in that deep dark place that only people who have had or are going through tragedy can truly relate to. No one can know…each is a unique story.

Perhaps it isn’t just that they’re are going through or have gone through tragedy but are in touch with it nonetheless. The truth of it is…it is success to me. If you can write words and arrange them in such a manner as to evoke a feeling, good, bad, sad, or otherwise then you have made a connection with someone…with any one who reads your words.

We each are unique and have our own story to tell. And we each have our own way to tell it…poems, photographs, quotes, funny stories or whimsical ones that make you smile or laugh…or be sad and cry…or really think about how a particular piece means to you…it becomes part of you now.

They each serve their purpose…our blog is our home. Our own little piece of this internet cosmos and it moves in ever widening, ever increasing, circles of friends and connections to others…some we are blessed to interact with, some we never hear about but could have made all the difference in the world for without ever knowing. It is important…vital, to write or show through photographs what we see, feel, and think…regardless of the emotional response.

We are all healing, rediscovering, sharing, connecting…

                     and because each voice is unique and touches others then we are by the definition above…Successful.

Christina ~

Sunshine…

“Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations.

I may not reach them,

but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them,

and try to follow where they lead.”
~ Louisa May Alcott ~

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As I cast off every tendril of darkness that has enveloped me, threatening to strangle me for so very long…

wrapped me in fear, darkness, grief, anguish, helplessness, resentment, agony, sorrow, anger, bitterness…

I find myself striving, fighting, struggling, pushing to find the light, love, inspiration, joy, peace…

that has been stolen from me for so very very very long…

In the sweet kindness of new friendships and the steadfastness of old ones, encouraging words, connections with other hurting souls…

I find the light getting brighter…

brighter, more brilliant, more tangible…

the dark strangling tendrils are falling away one by one…

Yes, I can almost feel it…

I can almost touch the sunshine.

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©Copyright 2012 Christina Brownlee

~ Appreciated Recognition ~

~ One Lovely Blog Award & Creative Chaos Award ~

I have recently been doubly honored in receiving my second “One Lovely Blog Award” from danblava at hurdlestohappiness. Thank you so much!!

(See below for the rules and nominations for the One Lovely Blog Award)

Also from Michelle at michellesomer.wordpress.com – I have been honored with the “Creative Chaos Award” Thank you so much to both of you for keeping me in your thoughts for these awards!! I am so very appreciative!

(See below for the rules and nominations for the Creative Chaos Award)

One Lovely Blog Award ~

1)    I need to thank the person who nominated me.

2)    Share 7 things about myself that you still may not know.

3)    Nominate 15 bloggers.

4)    Notify the nominees that I have done so.

5)    Put a logo of the award on my site.

 I already shared 7 things – but I’ll share another 7 things you may not know about me…

1)    I love to knit – when I have the time…it’s very relaxing…like therapy.

2)    I really really love to play video games, with my kids or my friends!

3)    I drive an old ’93 Suburban and I love it – Respect on the road!

4)    I named my dog (Pomeranian) Dante not just for the author but also because I love the movie Dante’s Peak.

Dante ~

5)    I love destruction of the earth movies like 2012, The Day After Tomorrow, and more – not sure why…maybe because they are so unrealistic (not the graphics-the storylines) and I’ve had my fair share of ‘reality’.

6)    I never want to mow the lawn (it’s big) but always LOVE the feeling of accomplishment when I’m done!

7)    Ok, ok, ok….so more information on the video game thing. My best friend and I often play Rock Band 3 (I’m the drummer) – It is a most cherished time to relax, be silly, laugh, and pretend we’re rock stars!

And now my nominees for the One Lovely Blog Award – Visit them if you get the chance! :)

1)     http://www.recoverythrumylens.wordpress.com

2)     http://thephoblography.wordpress.com/

3)     http://flashlightcityblues.wordpress.com

4)     http://mlatimerridley.wordpress.com

5)     http://ruthninawelsh.wordpress.com

6)     http://celestealluvial.wordpress.com

7)      http://rodpossefamily.wordpress.com

8)      http://pinkmattergreenmind.wordpress.com

9)      http://smileinstyle.wordpress.com

10)    http://myjournalofpraise.wordpress.com

11)    http://sanclemente365.wordpress.com

12)    http://betigaklaten.wordpress.com/

13)    http://nyparrot.wordpress.com

14)    http://travellingbag.wordpress.com

15)    http://hilalachmar.wordpress.com

Creative Chaos Award Rules ~

1)   I mention 3 weird things about myself

1)    I’m a cheese-a-holic

2)    I love naming my animals’ weird names – i.e. my orange cat is named Julius, and my oldest female cat is named Sawyer – her brother who is no longer with us was named Thomas.

3)    I love the colors black and purple (but not together!)

2)   Are you a glass half empty or a glass half full kind of person?

Most definitely a glass half full kind of person. I believe that I can find a positive in just about every negative situation. I may rant a bit…but then I just have to find something to laugh or joke about. Sometimes, I wonder where the glass is, as I am convinced someone moved it!

3)   You find yourself in a desolate place when your car breaks down. You have no cell phone service, no Wal-Mart, and only a candy bar for food. It is 150 miles to the closest town. What color are your underpants and why?

Since this is probably THE most bizarre question I’ve ever been asked I will answer bizarrely in return – Purple – because aliens don’t wear hats. ;)

4)   And the last task is to nominate 5 bloggers who have recently started following you.

1)    http://1twistedpixie.wordpress.com

2)    http://tchistorygal.wordpress.com

3)    http://thoughtfulnd.wordpress.com

4)    http://ratzone.wordpress.com

5)    http://quotography.wordpress.com

Congratulations to everyone! I hope these bring you the smiles they did me!! :) ~

Christina ~

Perception…

“Forget what hurt you, but never what it taught you.”

He was your puppet….

Looking always for your approval…

Never feeling like he got it—ever.

You polluted him…manipulated him…

Now he’s gone and you turned to me…to us…

I won’t play that game.

I am strong and I cut all the tendrils you had wrapped around us.

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you think I’m not trying my best?

Am I not living up to the insanely impossible expectations you think I should be?

Do you have even the smallest clue that I am going so far above what any one person

should be able to do that I even surprise myself?

No…you don’t

You want to know why I am the way I am…

You want to know why I’m distant….

Why I’m angry, even after I told you…

You never heard me…like I’m invisible and my words were never ever ever heard or acknowledged in any way…

You want to know why I’m not doing more and more and more and more…

Who do you think you are?

Were you there when we needed you?

No…you weren’t…

Were you there even offering to help?

No…you weren’t…

Were you supportive, encouraging, or at least trying show the slightest bit of sympathy for anyone besides you?

No…you weren’t…

I know better now…

 I can handle your selfishness hidden by judgment.

I can handle your chosen ignorance.

I’m a grown up…I’ve been through and done more than you will ever know or conceive to know…

Even if you tried to understand…

Which you don’t…

You would rather hand out advice, judgment, criticism, and try to manipulate innocent little children.

The sad part is you don’t even realize what you’re doing…

You are so focused on you that you can’t see me,

You can’t see us and our grief, our struggles, our stress (at your doing), our problems,

our loss, our triumphs, our overcoming, our doing better and better without you.

You said no but God said Yes.

The final tendril is cut and you no longer can control or manipulate us.

You are not in control of us anymore…

I…we are stronger, wiser, better, happier without you and your unrealistic expectations.

If that upsets you…you only have yourself to blame.

Take the standards you set for me and apply them to yourself…see how well you do.

I have survived these past two years, I have survived the numerous cruel actions and words

you have excused away again and again and again and again.

I’m so very tired of your  excuses…

Nothing can justify your actions. Nothing…

I am stronger now…

What do you see when you look at me?

It doesn’t matter…

 Because I don’t care.

And then I remembered…

  ~“Some people create their own storms and then complain when it rains” ~

You don’t understand why I’m angry…

You say you’re the one who is angry…

I’m not surprised…

Let me tell you a story…

Half of me died that day…

You thought only of you…

Your needs, your loss, your grief…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You decided what, how, and when things should happen for me and my children’s lives without reference to me…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You were so focused on what was bearing down on you that you couldn’t empathize with anything or anyone but you and your needs…

You said you cared but every action showed otherwise…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You hurt my children…one walked forever away from you…

You made excuses to cover every hurtful action…

I thought of you and your loss…

I made myself forget…

You ripped the rug out from under us so many times…tore down this family with your own hands…ripped us apart again and again and again with so much judgment, more and more expectation, stress, grief, and extreme hurt…

You thought only of you, your needs, who would take care of you, who would take care of your burdens…

You laid your burdens on my shoulders…

You expected more from me then you ever did from him…

I thought of your loss…

I made myself forget…

You finally stepped so far over the line… there is no going back…the ultimate cruelty to a family so torn up and shredded, not only by grief but also by you and your actions for your self preservation…

So many hurtful actions…that your loving words faded into nothingness…

I honored your burdens, the ones you place on my shoulders at the darkest/hardest/saddest time of my life…

My true family stepped up to make that difference…

I thought of your loss….

I thought of our loss…

And then I REMEMBERED!!!!!

One Lovely Blog Award

I was so very touched today to receive this One Lovely Blogger Award from The Blazing Trail . To some this may not be that big of a deal…to me it means recognition and being especially thought of…something everyone needs but doesn’t always get.  I say thank you so very very much for this…my first award. I am honored.

Here are rules for the award:

1. I need to thank the person who nominated me.

2. Share 7 things about myself that you still may not know.

1) I am in love with the sci-fi show -Doctor Who (David Tennant being my absolute favorite)!    

2) The reason for my nick name JavaKat is because I’m addicted to coffee/espresso!

3) I do not easily share my emotions and tend to hide behind humor and sarcasm.

4) My family is THE most important thing in my life.

5) I love my animals like they were more children.

6) I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook.

7) I like to watch cheesy made-for-tv sci-fi movies and make fun of them.

3. Nominate 15 bloggers .

4. Notify the nominees that I have done so.

5. Put the logo of the award on my blog site.

And now to my 15 nominees:

http://pjgracecommunity.wordpress.com

http://throughthehealinglens.wordpress.com

http://fictionalmachines.wordpress.com

http://www.thewhyaboutthis.com

http://anelephantcant.wordpress.com

http://michellesomer.wordpress.com

http://justspokenthoughts.wordpress.com

http://jdgallagher.wordpress.com

http://subhanzein.wordpress.com

http://danielabram.wordpress.com

http://jimibodansko.wordpress.com

http://lesplaisirssimplesdelavie.wordpress.com/

http://slapppshotblog.com/

http://tebogondlovu.wordpress.com

http://courtingmadness.wordpress.com/

I never knew that starting a blog could impact my life in so many positive ways. I absolutely adore meeting new friends, the acceptance, encouragement, and inspiration that abound in all of you! I think it the most incredible, amazing, awesome blessing I’ve had in a long long long time.

To the friends I’ve already made and those waiting to be met…keep doing what you’re doing…you are all uniquely incredible!!

Christina ~

You, Me, & He…

You and Me…

Love, Passion, Laughter, Singing, Dancing, Joy,

Drawing ever closer…

Too close…

You became the other half of Me…

Time Passes…

Older, more experienced, more love, laughter, joy, singing, dancing…

Time Passes…

Now it’s You, Me…and He…

Having fun, laughing, making music, good times

Time passes….

You left Me….even if it wasn’t your choice…

Shattered Bliss…

       

People came “To be there for Me”…

He came to stay…

Time passes…

Life intrudes…

People move on…

Forgotten are the tears, heartbreak, emptiness, struggle,

the insanity of unnecessary sadness purposely inflicted at

the deepest darkest point…

Fight, fight, FIGHT…

Time passes…

He stayed…

He listened…

He helped…

He didn’t leave…

It was You, Me, & He…

Time passed….

Now it’s Me & He…

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This, my first ever poem…ever, is dedicated to my best friend

who was always there, never left…and continues to be a source of

strength & laughter in my life!

~*~

I would like to say that this is just one thank you…there are still those in my life who have and continue to make a huge difference…you know who you are!

~*~

I would also like to thank my new friends and followers here

 for encouraging me to keep expanding how I share my journey

 in this new world I’m in.

~*~

For the Backstory if you don’t already know click here —> Backstory

Copyright © 2012 Christina Brownlee   ~   Picture courtesy of Google Images

Sanctuary…

“Dreams are illustrations…from the book your soul is writing about you.”

~ Marsha Norman ~

I know I usually post quotes…today though I’m taking a trip off that path to share something with so much meaning it actually hurts and simultaneously epitomizes me and where I’m at…

The music is beautiful and the visuals outstanding. I hope you take a few minutes and watch this…please and thank you.

Christina ~

(I posted lyrics below)

 

Lyrics:

Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i (I need more affection than you know)
In you and I,

There’s a new land

Angels in flight

Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i (I need more affection than you know)

My sanctuary, my sanctuary,

Yeah where fears and lies melt away

Music in time

Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i (I need more affection than you know)

What’s left of me, what’s left of me, now
I watched you fast asleep

All I fear means nothing
In you and I, there’s a new land

Angels in flight

Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i (I need more affection than you know)

My sanctuary, my sanctuary,

Yeah where fears and lies melt away

Music in time

Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i (I need more affection than you know)

What’s left of me, what’s left of me
snwod dna spu ynam os (so many ups and downs)

My heart’s a battle ground snoitome eurt deen i (I need true emotions)

Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i (I need more affection than you know)

Snoitome eurt deen i (I need true emotions)
You show me how to see that nothing is whole and nothing is broken
In you and I, there’s a new land

Angels in flight

Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i (I need more affection than you know)

My sanctuary, my sanctuary,

Yeah where fears and lies

Melt away

Music in time

Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i (I need more affection than you know)

What’s left of me, what’s left of me, now
O0oohhh
My fears, my lies,
Melt away
Wonk uoy naht noitceffa erom deen i (I need more affection than you know)